I have brownies
by Not so human anymore
Summary: Havoc brings brownies to work. Crack fic


"I brought brownies!" Havoc exclaimed happily, presenting the plateful of gooey chocolate squares.

"I didn't know you baked." Breda said, taking a brownie.

"I don't." Havoc replied placing the plate on his desk, "My sister's in town and she made all these brownies and I decided to bring some."

Furey and Falman each took a brownie and began eating them. It only took a few seconds for Riza to give in and take a brownie herself. It had a slightly unusual taste that she couldn't quite place. She looked up to see the Colonel walk into the outer office. His eyes instantly went to the brownies and without a word he walked over and took one.

"Where'd the brownies come from?" Roy asked with a mouthful of chocolate.

"Havoc's sister made them." Furey answered, taking another brownie.

"You have a sister?" The Flame alchemist asked in surprise.

"Yes and don't even think about it Colonel, she's a minor." Havoc replied smirking and taking another brownie. His sister was a really good cook.

Ed walked into Eastern Command grumbling angrily to himself. Stupid Colonel. Why couldn't he just enjoy a day at home? But no, he just had to turn in his report today. Couldn't the bastard just wait until tomorrow?

He kicked the door open and his jaw dropped to the floor. Roy was sitting in a chair at the head of the room with a paper crown on his head and a broom in his hand. The blanket from his couch was draped over his shoulders. Furey and Falman knelt at his feet. They looked almost like they were worshiping him. Riza stood at Mustang's side, another blanket wrapped around herself and a paper crown on her head as well. He looked over to see Breda hunched over his desk.

"Why hello Fullmetal." Havoc said cheerfully next to him. He turned to see the blond soldier covered in what appeared to be aluminum foil. "Have you come to grace King Mustang with your presence?"

Ed just stared at him.

"Fullmetal!" Roy said in an overly cheerful voice. "My, what are you doing here? Have you come to become one of my knights?"

"What?" was all the young alchemist could say.

"You are a little young to be a knight though." Roy said, rubbing his chin in thought. Then his face lit up and he raised his finger as though he realized something. "I know. You could be the heir to my throne. I do need a prince after all. And I sadly don't have any children. But don't worry about that. If Riza and I do have any children you will still be the first in line for the throne." His smile grew wider. "So, what do you say?"

"What?" Ed said again, even more confused.

"I'll take that as a yes!" Roy exclaimed happily. "Men, grace your new prince. Dress him in silk robes and give him a crown."

Ed felt a blanket wrap around his shoulders. He looked to his side to see Breda smiling, a paper crown in his hands. He was too confused to resist when the paper crown was placed upon his head. He turned back to see Furey and Falman had left Mustang. He looked down to see that they were now bowing at his feet.

"Prince Elric, we are not worthy." They chanted in over emotional voices.

"Are you guys crying?" Ed asked, noticing how their shoulders shook.

"I am sorry Prince Elric!" Furey wailed.

"Please forgive us! We are just so overjoyed to be in your presence!" Falman cried before they both went back to their over emotional chanting.

He looked back at Roy. "Colonel, can I talk to you?"

"Why of course my young prince." He replied happily.

"In private."

"Oh yes, please step into my chambers." The Flame Alchemist replied happily, indicating to his inner office.

Ed stepped over the soldiers bowing at his feet and followed his superior officer into his office. When the door closed he turned to the older male.

"What the hell is going on?" Ed yelled.

"Whatever do you mean?" Roy asked, fiddling with his broom.

The blond face palmed. "Okay, why are you acting like a bigger dumbass than usual?"

The Colonel cocked his head to the side in confusion. "Whatever do you mean?"

"Oh my gosh. Okay, why the hell are you acting like a king? Why is everyone in here acting like your loyal subjects? And what the hell do you mean I'm the heir to your throne?"

What Roy did next confused the Fullmetal Alchemist even more. He started laughing. He tilted his head back and laughed harder, his hand moving to cover his eyes. Then he suddenly stopped and looked at his subordinate with that dead serious look that he always had before he lectured the blond.

"I'm sorry but I still don't know what you mean. I am the king and this is my kingdom." Roy said, gesturing to the room. "You, my wonderful subordinate are the heir to my throne. The only reason for this is that I don't have children of my own and I think of you as a son. Besides, kings are assassinated all the time. What would happen if I died? Like I said, I don't have any children and I trust you to take up the throne if that if I die."

Ed took a moment to take all this in. "What are you on?" He finally said.

Roy chuckled and patted the blond on the head. "You're funny."

Ed sighed, "I can't do this today. No, my brain just can't handle this today." He reached up and removed his delusional superior's hand from his head. "I just can't handle this level of stupidity today." He turned and left a very confused Colonel in his inner office. He stumbled through the outer office in a slight daze, not noticing Furey and Falman had moved their praise to Riza. Breda was back at his desk, cutting paper in an almost obsessive manner. Havoc gave the newly named 'Prince' a strange look as he left the office muttering to himself.

Ed left the office and started walking, only to stumble into someone about twenty feet from the room. He glanced up to see the face of the only general in the entirety of Eastern Command. What was his name? General Grumman right?

"Oh hello, you must be the Fullmetal Alchemist." The old general said with a gentle smile that Ed didn't find comforting. "Colonel Mustang has told me a lot about you. Why are you wearing a blanket and a paper crown?"

"I need your help! The Colonel's gone crazy!" The blond shouted.

The general's expression grew serious. "What do you mean?"

"Well I went in there," Ed began, flailing his arms. "And the Colonel was acting like he was some king! And Lieutenant Riza was acting like his queen or something! And Sargent Furey and Warrant Officer Falman were bowing at his feet! And Lieutenant Havoc was covered in tin foil! And the Colonel said I was the heir to his throne! And he said that he and Lieutenant Riza were going to have kids. And-" he stopped, gasping for air.

"Well that does sound strange." Grumman said, scratching his chin. He looked at the winded thirteen year old in front of him. "All right, I'll go see what's wrong with him."

He followed the blond down the twenty feet to Colonel Roy Mustang's office. Edward was so relieved that he finally had someone who could make sense of all this. Of course once they walked in the room he was attacked by a crazy over emotional Colonel.

"Oh Fullmetal!" he cried. "I was so worried about you. I thought you'd been kidnapped again!"

"What the hell? I was gone for less than five minutes!" Ed yelled and looked at the general next to him.

Grumman opened his mouth to speak only to be hugged by his granddaughter.

"Oh Grandfather!" Riza said happily. "I'm so glad you came!"

"Riza do you want to tell me what's going on?" The general asked, looking around the room. It was then that he noticed the plate of brownies that Breda was eating like he'd never eat again. "Where did the brownies come from?"

"My sister made them!" Havoc answered the desks where he was also eating a brownie.

"Your sister?"

"Oh yeah, she's so nice. Her friends were throwing a party and asked her to bring some brownies. She made so many that I thought I'd bring some in. They are so good. I don't know what she uses to make them but it's just amazing." Havoc explained as he ate another brownie.

Ed looked at the general with pleading eyes as Roy continued to snuggle against him, shouting how relieved he was that the heir to the throne was okay. Furey and Falman had moved to the floor in front of Ed chanting "we are not worthy". Grumman looked back at Lieutenant Havoc who was eating another brownie.

"Tell me Lieutenant, what is your sister like?"

Havoc paused in his devouring of the chocolate square to look at the general. "Well she's really nice and mellow. She likes to walk around barefoot and wear flowery dresses. And she doesn't shower much." He took another bite of the brownie. "Why?"

Grumman laughed, "Oh I was just curious. And you should probably stop eating those."

It was then that Roy threw Ed over his shoulder and started running down the hall shouting "we have to hide you before they find out what you did!" And Grumman just kept laughing.

**AN: I have not explanation for this.**


End file.
